Just some of Fedora's thoughts on...

True change starts in the heart. Motivate with love.Motivation

I am a big fan of motivating others to be the best they can. I encourage others to pursue things that they are passionate about. To be the type of person God made them to be realizing that they are not perfect, flawed but blessed. I love and accept people for who they are and where they are. Sometimes that means when they are not in a very positive state.

I have recently been introduced to a person who is very outspoken on issues relating to the black community specifically black women. I sought additional resources and asked some of my male friends their take on the issues as well. What I found out floored me. This issue is much bigger than I thought. Not only that but some people who call themselves shining a light on the issues may be doing more harm than good.


I am all for free speech and each to their own opinion but when you fail to give back to the community a solution that will help empower and uplift them then who are you really doing all this for social change or self-gain? I am not going to mention the name of the person because I don’t want to give them any advertisement. I just want to speak about my experience of an potentially be motivated by someone who fills their heart with the negative vibes of this person and not with love. I don’t understand how anyone can say that spewing hateful things and talking about people without providing solutions is not negative and hateful even if it’s true. Truth based on love brings healing and solutions for change. Truth based on hate and anger brings more hurt and anger. Hate breeds hate, just like love breeds love.

I recently wrote in my post “How to Soften His Heart” that you can get more bees with honey than you can with a stick any day. If you beat that hive with a stick, I guarantee you the bees will attack and sting you. But if you dangle some honey on that stick, they will gravitate towards it and feast on it. Not only because it’s good but you are feeding them their favorite food. You are identifying with their natural being. The same applies when you want to motivate another person to do something beneficial. The most important thing is to first examine your motives for doing so. Are you really tapping into the being of that person and helping them to fulfill their personal goals and aspirations? Or are you trying to mold and shape them into something you want for your own selfish reasons? Motive makes a difference.

The Body God Gave You

Most of the women I know have serious self-esteem issues. They simply don’t like themselves, much less love themselves. I used to be one of those women. I worked hard through therapy and spiritual guidance to allow God to heal the wounds that caused me to hate myself and others. I was on my way to becoming a bitter woman who bashed men and lumped them into one category because they have a penis. Which as I so sorely found out some black men do to black women. They bash them because they remind them of a woman who hurt them in their childhood or past relationship. If you look a certain way, you are stereotyped as a whore. Now there are some women who do the same to men. Neither breeds anything good or beneficial. It’s sad and too big of an issue for this post. But I promise to address it later.

It is a fact that black women are curvier and more big boned than other women. That is how God created us. There are some who believe that if you don’t fit into that stupid weight chart there is something wrong with you even when you are healthy. Society has painted a picture that beautiful is skinny flat and straight. To some people it is but being curvy and thick is also beautiful. As it stands most curvy women get a bad rap. But during my healing I have come to love my body as it is realizing that yes I would love to improve on certain areas, which I work on. But I also made a decision that I don’t want to be skinny or a certain size, I want to find my healthy weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Guess what I used to be skinny yep wore size 9. But as I got older my body changed. I love to look at myself in the mirror and admire my shape, my complexion, my eyes, and my natural hair. Yes, I love me! So why would someone so close to me decide that I needed to be motivated to lose weight so that “my light could shine” as to allude to the fact that skinny is better than thick. What hurts is that they didn’t recognize that my light is already shining.

The thing is that I heard this before. You should be healthy and concerned about your health. Well I am. I recently lost about 20 lbs. in the last year after making some serious lifestyle changes. I am still in the process of my change. So what would possess this person to feel as though they had the right to assault my character simply because they wanted me to do what they wanted? I am also not hating on skinny women because guess what that is how God made them. We have to embrace and love who God made us to be. Change what you can and love what you can’t.

When I would not readily conform to their request, they proceeded to insult me. By telling me that I was camouflaging myself with accessories and begged me to change for them. Why would I want to change who I am, who God made me to be, the woman God spent all of these years teaching me to accept, embrace and love as she is, for someone who looks at me with such a superficial lens? Just in case you all don’t know physical beauty fades with age. It’s just a reality and anyone who believes they can cheat it is lying to themselves. So ladies and gentlemen understand that while the outer appearances are part of the attraction you ultimately need to love and accept the person. If you love someone because of how they look, you will be disappointed when they change.

All it takes is for them to get sick, have a trauma, get depressed, or simply let life kick them enough to get them down and their physical appearances can change. So what will you do? Attack their character and make them feel worse or continue to love the person until they heal and get through this rough patch in their life? If your love for someone is that superficial then you are cheating yourself because the love is not real.

Casualty of War

I got caught in the middle of a war that I was unaware of and I lost without ever knowing I was in a fight. My feelings got hurt as I watched someone try to tear me down under the guise of motivation so that they could attempt to control me. Just after God spent many years saving me from that very situation. Understand my men that I choose to be a submissive woman because it is the rightful order of things and I love dominant men. But being dominant does not give them the right to tear down the person who submits to them. Quite the contrary, they are supposed to build them to be their best, not mold them into some wooden statue puppet on strings. That is called bondage and slavery when you are not expected to have a voice or an opinion and are expected to be the way someone else thinks you should in order to serve their purpose and not God’s. But guess what there are some people who want that, just make sure you are pouring that type of dominance into the right person.

This type of dominance may not always be good or beneficial to either of you. So it is important to submit and lead with your heart, not a hard one either. Both need to be healed and whole in order to have a fruit producing relationship. Being a person of authority is a great responsibility and when you exercise a certain level of influence you have the potential to do just as much harm as good.

Therefore, one should tread lightly with how to motivate. Motivate out of love, not to hurt, but to uplift, not for selfish gain, but for the better good, not by your selfish desire, but the desire of God’s heart. First learn who the person really is and help them tap into their best parts. Everyone wants to be loved and respected for who they are not shaped and molded into someone they are not.