Some relationships are so crazy. Lopsided ones where one person feels more than the other. The imbalance is always threatening the relationship because the tables dip so deeply into the water and muck. You find yourself not getting along or only getting along superficially. There is no real depth to the relationship, to the conversation, to the touches, just existence which is hard to deny because we all exist. But the existence does not always relate to something real.
So we go through the motions and act like everything is okay. Like everything is on the mend but deep inside you already know things are done. You are just contemplating your best move for post “we” to make sure you are ready when it comes. Now being at this stage is not exactly a bad thing. Yes, it is a hurtful thing because it is the first moment that you really accept that things really are over. There is no more praying, hoping or miracles. It’s really done.
So what do you do when you are done? You begin to shut the person out of your intimate space. You don’t give as much as you used to. You keep them at the surface level and prevent them from getting back into that heart space. They no longer have that with you because you are done. So done with the merry-go-round that has been identified as a relationship, that now they want to fight so damn hard to maintain.
All the while you are looking at them thinking. “Why, can’t you see the writing on the wall?” “Were you not paying attention to the last year or so?” “Was I there alone?” Didn’t you see the river divide the hearts that were once so close, not intertwined, because we weren’t intertwined. We were just close but now you seem to believe it was the love of the century. You never wrapped yourself up into me, into my world, into my fears, into my dreams. No you never had time for that. Everything and everyone else was more important.
But now that I have shed that snake skin of love you gave to me, you seem to have developed some new memories about what we really had. Suddenly you were the love of my life. But why can’t I remember you being there when I needed you. When I was down and really needed someone to show me the way out of my own misery. No you were not there for that, you used my misery as your stepping stone to get closer to me. Closer for your own personal benefit.
Never because you loved me and wanted the best for me. No you saw an opportunity to make your life better and more significant through your association with me. Yes, I saw that early on because I listened to what you “really” said versus what you “wanted” me to hear. When you can walk away and feel nothing, no regret, no “I wonder” then you know you are done.
There was a time when staying was the most important thing to me. But now it’s an after thought because you are wasting precious moments that should be filled with steps toward my destiny. But no, you want me to stay stuck with you, while you still muddle through your own truth, which seems to escape you at every turn.
But that time has long past, as I discovered what real love looks and feels like. As I have discovered that you trust more in what a person does rather than what they say. People say so many things but their actions will tell you exactly what they are committed to. Whether they are committed to you or not. I spent so much time wanting to hear certain things but when I got involved with a smooth talker my perspective changed quite a bit. I learned not to trust in everything he said. For seldom did he walk his talk. But oh it sounded so damn good.
But now I see him for who he really is and his words no longer affect me. At a loss I watch him scramble to maintain a place he lost so long ago. He refuses to accept the truth that greets him each time he throws his words out in the wind. But, ironically he is still “so in love” and I am still “so done.”