War to Live
When I was in elementary school I used to get bullied and would run home everyday to avoid fighting. I was scared in and out of the house. By middle school I had stopped running. I still didn’t want to fight but I stood up to my enemies. At least I began to fight back in my mind.
By the time I reached adulthood that shit just wasn’t funny anymore. Not only did I stop running, I beat the shit out of two of them. I got tired of being bothered for just being me. I am one of the most peaceful people you could ever meet, but when I was a child everyone wanted to fight me.
I developed anxiety and it ran my life until I got tired of that too. It seems like I am in an all out war just to live!
So I count each victorious day as though we won the war because you need to reward progress. For those who have been stuck for many years, these small moments are big deals.
When you face your fears you realize that what appeared as a giant in the dark really was only a big rock. A big rock that can be pushed aside. A big rock can still cause harm but it’s smaller and it can’t block your path.
You realize you are strong enough to push that rock out of the way. Each victory makes that rock shrink until you can crush it with your foot. Today I realized that the rock is not as big as I thought. I can kick the rock now.
I faced some difficult parts of self this week. I saw the broken woman who used to wander this earth in my body in another broken woman. God showed me where I came from. He showed me my growth. I didn’t expect to get so emotional though.
I cried not because I was still in pain, but because I had never seen myself. She was lost, torn, hurt, angry, EMPTY. She was just moving around like a puppet, not making any purposeful moves.
I remember that day when someone put their arm on my shoulder and spoke in my ear. This is not you, where did YOU go. I was told that I wasn’t myself. Thus began my war. My war to LIVE!
That was over 15 years ago. Long time right? My war to live is a lifetime war. Today was a victorious day! So I am celebrating it like I won the war!!