Love is not something you say. It is demonstrated through actions. Most times unconsciously. There have been many times in my life when I did not demonstrate love to self or others. I have placed myself and others in positions to be hurt and traumatized.
This is where I used to live:
“When the fire is brewing and the water you desire is available just from a phone call. There is no thought about who else is involved, out of sight out of mind, the only thing in sight is that water to quench this fire.
Then you wake up the next morning, feeling more emptier than you did yesterday, despite being filled with the lustful water you yearned for during the days, weeks, months, leading to this moment. What was his name? Where did he live? I can’t answer these questions, yet you gave your body to him. He deposited his seed in you and you don’t even know his name.”
I repeated this cycle over and over endlessly until I had so many empty seeds in me that I was drowning. I succumbed to what they saw, nothing but “Hips, Lips, & Tips” and lost myself in the process.
She didn’t even know his name. When she called and asked for him that night, she mispronounced his name. Coming face to face with your ugly self is not pleasant. I see my ugly self in most of these women he chases and it triggers me.
The purpose of my celibacy was to burn out the fire. I had to let it burn like a forest fire until all the embers were out. It took five years. During that time, I struggled with self. I could not forgive myself for what I had done to my body and the pain my behavior caused to others. I also had to break all the soul ties to those men whose names I still don’t know.
He met me when I was at the end of my celibacy. I vowed to myself that I would only have one husband going forward. I would not intertwine my soul like I had done before. But I was still living in my self pity, self loathing, and self anger stage. I dressed as I did to purposely not bring attention to myself. I did not feel worthy of a man’s attention. I kept the weight as my protector. I was quiet and unseen. The way I felt inside. There was little joy except for my kids. Had I not had them, I probably would have just elected to die.
When his light entered my life, I began to see that living was possible. I will never forget that night we met, he was bouncing on his toes. Like a kid in the candy store. I remember sensing a genuine desire and interest in me. Perhaps from his intrigue like he said. But I knew it was pure. I never believed that his desire and connection to me was just physical. It may have been what we both thought we were seeking but that is not what happened that night. Sometimes I say God is a good practical joker, he looked at both of us-full of light and choosing darkness-then said ok I will fix you. I am going to sit you directly in front of your mirror via each other.
Although I saw the light in him that night, I was still in chains, in my heart, in my mind, and my soul. Which is why I opted to have an uncommitted relationship. I did not feel worthy of being a man’s queen, or wife. So I didn’t seek it. I was afraid of being rejected again and ending up alone. So it made sense to me at that time to just be alone. I recently learned that some of my thinking and beliefs are from Female Slave Conditioning. I am studying this now and will share more in future posts.
I don’t miss that woman. She wanted to die rather than to live. Until that day the car hit my body, I still wanted to die because anything was better than living with the ugly truth in my head. I could not forgive myself, especially after I saw how it affected the other people.
So I punished myself enough to the point where I wanted to die. I look at my current relationship and ask “Is this my karma?” Is this how I made someone else feel? I asked God to forgive me and pray that the ones I hurt would forgive me as well. But the biggest part is forgiving myself for being so reckless with another person’s heart.
My current relationship has made me face my mirror and I still don’t like that ugly woman. In fact that ugly woman was the one who died on that street, when the car knocked me off my feet. She will never return. But the memory of her is etched in me as a reminder to maintain the balance and appreciate the new opportunity I was given. I love the new woman who got up off that street that day.
For me, I chose life that day on the street because death hit me and didn’t kill me. So there is no reason to fear death anymore. But I am still processing everything emotionally. I am doing my work to forgive myself and heal. I am thankful for the opportunity to do so.